My Boyfriend Broke Up With Me…. and I'm Thankful.

In middle school, I desperately wished for a relationship. Each night, I would kneel next to my bed and pray for a boyfriend. “I just want to know what it feels like,” I would tell my God. “I don’t care if it ends. I just want to know what it’s like.” Tears would well in my eyes, and my nose would start to burn. At the time, low self esteem made me believe that having no romantic partner meant that I was unlovable.

Male suitors sprouted as I approached high school, but I worried that my previous prayers had been too selfish and had cursed my love life. I felt frustrated by how fleeting my admiration seemed. I would get bored or restless after a month or two and no longer wish to be tethered down by superficial romance. When these relationships ended, I breathed a sigh of relief.

Long term boyfriends eventually came and, usually traumatically, went. That felt more difficult. The more attached I became to a person, the harder the cut. I had an incredibly difficult time letting go of the people I loved, which led to turbulent off and on relationships involving me begging to make things work and then feeling worthless when the relationship continued to crumble. As each relationship throughout my young adulthood came to an end, I became more and more negatively affected by my perceived inability to keep a boyfriend.

When my depression worsened in my mid-twenties, my self hatred made dating even less bearable. I often found myself shying away from physical touch and emotional connection. I hated texting. I hated first dates. I hated when people talked to me and hated even more when people attempted to flirt with me. I was jaded and trying to resolve my loneliness through one night stands, and I became a professional at “ghosting.” I was also afraid to get hurt, and I thought the easiest way to avoid disappointment was to take myself out of the game altogether.

About a year ago, I began my wellness journey. I started exercising, went to therapy, medicated my depression. I ate healthy and made active efforts to do things that made me happy. My self worth and self esteem increased dramatically, and I felt more stable in my life. I was generally happier and more hopeful. I still felt lonely, but my mindset changed. I felt I wanted a romantic partner, but I didn’t need one.

In therapy, I worked really hard to become open to dating. “You have this goal of settling down and starting a family, but the fear of failure is keeping you from actively seeking this,” My therapist said, “I’m wondering how you’ll achieve those goals if you don’t try and put yourself out there.” My therapist helped me reduce my fear of vulnerability enough to be able to start engaging with others in a more serious manner. After talking to several people through online dating websites, I finally agreed to go out on a date with a real live human being.

Our first date was fun. We went to a comedy show and had a drink. We talked and laughed as he walked me home. We had good conversations and identified some common interests. I felt attracted to him both physically and emotionally- he had enough experiences to have lived three lifetimes, and that intrigued me. At the end of the night, we planned a second date for the following week.

Our relationship continued like that for about another month and a half. We had so much fun together. He laughed at my jokes, said nice things, and cooked for me. He introduced me to his friends and invited me along to parties and dinners. I felt included and cared for. Eventually, we agreed to make our relationship official.

I was content with calling him my boyfriend. I finally felt that I could be my true weird self, something that I had struggled with in previous relationships. Although there were some situations here and there that caused me to wonder if he was a person that I could spend my life with, I was so comfortable that I brushed them aside. In fact, I felt so comfortable that I barely saw it coming when, after about three months of dating, I heard the words, “I’ve been having hesitations and have been thinking more and more about ending our relationship.” With this, we began a discussion where we both laid out our concerns about why our relationship b may have not been working.

I thought I would be devastated when our relationship ended, but instead I felt a pressure lift from my shoulders and experienced a strong sense of freedom. When he rode away on his bike, I felt…. happy. The feeling confused me. I kept wondering, “Why don’t I feel upset?” I sought insight from my sister who had a simple answer to my confusion: “Because he was NOT the person for you.”

I learned that my sister and brother-in-law had apparently been struggling to find the opportunity and strength to tell me that they actually hated my boyfriend. During a recent family gathering, my sister noticed a plethora of unfavorable qualities, such as how he spoke down to people, appeared controlling, and lacked appropriate boundaries. Some of these qualities I did notice, but foolishly chose to ignore.

In retrospect, I can identify moments in our short relationship in which I was truly not enjoying my time. As we would spend more and more time together, and I would find myself struggling to balance my relationship with my life. I would sleep over his house almost every night, wake up late, rush to get ready for work, and feel disorganized. Although there was awareness in the back of my mind, I was too distracted by engaging in fun “couple activities” to realize that falling behind on my self care was having an impact in my mood. I wanted to do so many things- write, draw, meditate, run, do yoga- and yet, I felt that I was lacking the time to do them. When the Break Up Talk was in progress, I actually felt excited for him to leave so I could be myself and plan which activity I would do first.

Along with the feeling of excitement, I felt a sense of strength and growth. The ease with which I accepted the transition from “in a relationship” to “single” is evidence that I am learning to let go, and that makes me incredibly proud. For so long I felt that I needed to hold on to relationships, even if they weren’t exactly what I wanted, because I feared I would grow old alone. Now I realize that I have so much love for myself and from others that that fear is nearly diminished completely.

I can also now acknowledge that I must continue to work on finding balance. Where everyone must make some form of sacrifice in a relationship, it is not fair to put my wants and needs on the back burner, simply because I feel the desire to dive into romance. I am important, and my goals and needs are important. A good relationship should encourage me to achieve my goals, not distract me from them.

I also feel a great sense of thankfulness toward my new ex-boyfriend. I am thankful that he had the courage to create a space in which we could both explore our thoughts about the relationship. I’m thankful for my sister and brother-in-law, too. They validated my thoughts about the red flags that I had seen throughout the relationship. Even though I’m still learning how to trust my own instincts, I know that I can trust their guidance.

My father often jokes, “You sure know how to chase them away!” or “You’re just too picky!” When I was younger, this would sting, because I had believed there was something wrong with me. An increased sense of self worth has made me realize that yes, I may be picky…. and it’s important to be.

The Power of Breath

There are several actions that occur in our body without clear direction and effort from our brain. A heart beat, for example, is a powerful and- barring any serious health issues- automatic rhythm that plays a vital role in keeping our bodies alive. My brain always visualizes Osmosis Jones running around inside my body to ensure that every task is being completed without my having to consciously perform them. It makes things, like breathing, seem effortless.

Although we may be accustomed to the effortlessness of breathing, how often do we truly take a moment to mindfully connect with our breath? In meditation, attention to the breath is a method of becoming fully present. By changing breathing pattern, we can produce different states of mind, such as increasing overall energy and relaxing the body and mind. The endorphins released by the body during deep breathing also serve as a natural mood boost. These effects make deep breathing a widely used coping mechanism in managing symptoms of various mental health diagnoses.

Deep breathing does more than influence our emotional state; it can impact our physical health, as well. If you are someone who has a regular exercise/cardio routine established, you have probably realized the importance of having a close relationship with the breath. In distance running, I have learned that the more I pay attention to my breath, the more in tune I am with the rest of my body. Promoting slow, deep breaths can assist in keeping a safe pace to prevent our heart rates from climbing to dangerous BPM’s. Additionally, attention to breath can increase control and power behind movements in strength training.

As stated earlier, through deep breathing our body releases endorphins, which act as a natural pain reliever. By increasing our oxygen flow, we are also improving digestion and detoxifying our bodies through both releasing carbon dioxide and speeding up the lymphatic system. So, next time you meditate, you can visualize the release of toxins along with that negative energy that spews out with every exhale. So whether you’re stressed, overwhelmed, in physical or emotional pain, or experience a variety of physical health concerns, controlled breathing can be a step to a greater overall sense of well being.


Here are a few simple breathing exercises to get you started:

Box Breathing

This breathing technique can act as a powerful stress reliever while heightening performance and concentration.

Begin in a comfortable position. Breathe in through your nose for a count of 4 seconds. Hold your breath for a count of 4 seconds. Exhale through your mouth for a count of 4 seconds. Repeat cycle as many times as needed.

Bellows Breathing

This is a rapid breathing technique aimed toward increasing energy and alertness.

Begin in a comfortable position. Inhale and exhale rapidly through your nose while keeping your mouth shut. Breaths should be as short as possible, but equal in duration. The diaphragm should move quickly. Do this for a cycle of 15 seconds, gradually increasing time with each practice. Breath normally after each cycle.

4:7:8 Breathing

This breathing technique promotes peace and tranquility. This exercise can also be used to more easily fall asleep. It may cause one to feel slightly lightheaded.

Begin in a comfortable position, keeping your back straight. With your mouth closed, quietly inhale through your nose for a count of 4. Hold your breath for a count of 7. Exhale through your mouth, making a whooshing sound, to the count of 8. Complete cycle 3-4 times, gradually increasing the amount of cycles with continued practice.


As always, Wellness Warriors, feel free to provide feedback and share your experiences if you choose to practice these skills. My hope is that these breathing techniques empower you to love and care for your breath while harnessing the art of controlled breathing. Until next time!

Half Marathon Training: Week 3

I finally understand the beauty of running in the rain.

Come one, come all! Have you been running around your city jamming out to an “Emo Forever” Spotify Playlist and letting Gerard Way fuel your mind and your legs as the miles pile on? If not, you probably don’t know the struggle resisting the urge to play air guitar on a 6 mile run, as to maintain good form. Week 3 came hard and fast, and my biggest struggle this week was navigating through the frustrations and fears of plateauing.

Week 3 was a true challenge in attempting to balance pushing myself enough to reach my goals, but not hard enough to cause injury or burn out. There was a new focus on both my mind and body. My brain said, “Push yourself harder or you’ll never be ready in time,” while my body urged me to avoid pushing my lungs into a pace they weren’t ready for. My muscles felt ready, but every time I attempted a faster pace, my body felt overheated and I quickly ran out of breath and steam. I realized I needed to decrease my pace, which definitely solved the issue!

With that in mind, here’s Week 3:

  • Sunday: Run 6 miles
  • Monday: Yoga/Walk
  • Tuesday: Run 3 miles
  • Wednesday: Plyometrics
  • Thursday: Yoga/Stretch
  • Friday: Speed Work
  • Saturday: REST

I enjoy speed work in a variety of ways. For speed, others recommend hill repeats, plyometrics, etc., but in the city it can be difficult to find a good easily accessible hill. Instead, I might find a good, long set of stairs or a ramp. My typical go-to is a quick run workout. For a run workout, I will walk for a block, run for a block, and sprint for a block, and repeat this until I’ve hit whatever the distance goal I’ve set for myself. This week I learned that my body is in good shape, but my cardio needs work- hence the frustration.

Lesson of the Week: Go at your own pace. In the weeks before, I put pace goals on each run workout. From here on, I am just going to focus on completing the miles at whatever pace my body allows. I want to put more emphasis on how I feel physically instead of focusing on the pressure of not feeling fast enough- I’m out there, I’m running, I’m working to achieve a goal. If that’s not good enough, I don’t know what is.

Digging up the Roots of Depression

Anyone can experience sadness, grief, and despair (assuming one has the emotional capacity), but not everyone will experience depression. Depression is characterized by loss of interest, lack of pleasure, changes in appetite or sleep, irritability, low energy, decreased mood, among other symptoms that can have a severe impact on daily life. Try to picture being a slug with no hope and no desire to do anything- that’s depression. It’s like trying to run against the current… while underwater… and someone forgot to give you a scuba tank so you could breathe. Depression is as abundant as the common cold, and it is one of the most common mental disorders in the United States. Although previously believed to stem from chemical imbalance, we now know that root of depression lies among a variety of risk factors, including physiological, environmental, emotional, and situational circumstances.

Physiological factors may include genetics, diet, hormonal imbalances, or chronic illness. Both of my parents were diagnosed with clinical depression at some point in their lives. In my own case, an extensive family history of depression put me more at risk for developing depression myself (I like to call it The Double Whammy). So, while this encouraged me to learn some skills early to manage depression, I didn’t quite understand what it would actually feel like to be- in the words of a client- “cuckoo-nuts,” until it got severe enough that I couldn’t work through it on my own. In some cases, poor diet or hormonal imbalances can relate to decreased energy or mood, influencing depressive symptoms. In my case, this was a chicken-or-the-egg scenario. I’d feel depressed and lose my appetite, have candy or chips or nothing for dinner, and then feel MORE depressed because I was eating like garbage. Often, individuals with chronic illnesses, sleep disorders, or other health concerns experience depressive symptoms, as well, particularly if these conditions cause challenges completing daily tasks and living a fulfilling life.

Depressive symptoms may also be affected by environmental factors. For example, if someone lives in a stressful or chaotic environment, that person may be more likely to experience depression. My own depressive symptoms heightened after moving to the suburbs. Living in a house that I could not afford, working two jobs, and living far from my friends created financial stress, lack of self care, and isolation. I found myself hiding in my room with debilitating anxiety at the thought of coming out of my cave and engaging with my manipulative roommate and her bro-in-denial boyfriend- which often meant navigating my way through stale marijuana smoke and Patron. And don’t get me wrong, I am far from prude, but this wasn’t the lifestyle I wanted or expected when I moved. My inability to cope with feeling stuck in an unhappy and unfulfilling environment was a major factor in my depression spiraling. Additionally, environmental factors may affect those living in a setting with increased violence, domestic disturbance, or crime.

Individuals who experience low self esteem, pessimism, or have a history of physical or emotional trauma may be more susceptible to symptoms of depression. This can be more apparent in people who lack coping skills or positive outlets for emotions. I used to have a saying: “Turn your sadness into anger, and lock it up in a box.” Now, picture me screaming this from the tallest rooftop: THIS WAS NOT HELPFUL. It took a LONG time to realize that feelings are normal and okay, and pretending it does not exist does not mean a feeling goes away. It just means that it’ll eventually come up more bubbly and more aggressive than before, like an exploding pressure cooker, or manifest in symptoms of depression or anxiety. And so, my new saying is: “Listen to yourself.” We experience emotions for a reason, and, whether they are accurate or not, they all deserve to be respected and acknowledged.

Last, but certainly not least, feeling sad is not the same as experiencing depression. Let me say it again: feeling sad is not the same as experiencing depression. However, if you are a human you have probably encountered a situation that has caused you intense grief- and if you haven’t, give me some of those unicorn-and-rainbow sunglasses you’re wearing. Life transitions can be complex. Death of a loved one, issues in work or school, relationship problems, financial issues, moving- these are all situations that can cause one to feel stressed, overwhelmed, distraught. These are some of the situations that I deem the “Big Bad Sad-Makers.” Major life changes can affect daily routine, cause anxiety, and manifest symptoms of depression. If emotions that come from these situations cause disruption in your ability to engage in daily life, it’s something to look at more closely.

While these are common roots of depression, they are surely not the only ones, and many individuals experience more than one of these risk factors for depression. Take me for example- all four of these things joined up to make me a tiny burrito of sadness! From the time I was in college, factors have been coming in and out of my life to cause disruptions in mood, and the one thing that encouraged me most in dealing with my depression was learning about my depression. Everyone has a different experience with mental health, and if I can offer you one piece of advice in tackling your own mental health concern, it is to learn about it. It’s like Voldemort- Harry had to learn about Voldemort’s history, strengths, and weaknesses before he could defeat him. Yes, I just turned Mental Health into a Harry Potter reference… and I think it’s my proudest moment of the day.

Thanks to @depression-patriciajordan.com for inspiring me to write this. It’s not a simple answer, but it’s an answer none-the-less.

10 Morning Hacks for the Non-Morning Person

I didn’t get the nickname “Little Bear” in college for no reason. In the morning it takes me about 1 hour, 1 cup of coffee, 1 giant plate of breakfast, and a whole lot of self-encouragement to start feeling like a human. In fact, I love my mother, but my biggest complaint about her parenting was that she talked to me in the morning- the horror!

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love the idea of being a morning person, and I actually find myself enjoying the quiet mornings to myself if I have a day off. It’s the pressure of having a schedule to keep that causes me to roll out of bed with my hair a mess and grunt to myself as I struggle to don my big girl garb and start the day. There just never seems to be enough time in the morning, and no matter how hard I try, I still find myself consistently running 5 minutes late. One might think that I could simply wake up earlier, but your girl loves her sleep. Therefore, I can offer these helpful tips that might help- excuse my French- unfuck your morning as well as they did mine.

  1. Pick out your clothes.
    • I tend to take this tip to the extreme. Every week as I am putting away my laundry, I put together my outfits for the entire week (or more if I’m feeling extra adventurous). This way, I can just pull something ready-to-wear from my closet. I’m not suggesting that anyone take things to that extreme, but it is a huge time saver to have an outfit prepared. I also notice that I always feel better if I’m wearing something I like, and I rarely create an outfit I like if I save the task for the busy morning.
  2. Prep your lunch.
    • I like to make this part of my nightly routine. Before I go to sleep, I’ll my lunchbox together, so I can just grab it out of the refrigerator before I leave in the morning. Not only does this save time in the morning, but it also gives me time to make sure I’m packing a healthy and well balanced lunch.
  3. Have a routine.
    • Part of making the morning easier is not thinking-just doing. Having a good routine in place can save time, increase productivity, and increase a sense of accomplishment. For those like me who used to forget her lunch, office keys, etc. at least once a week, it can help to ensure you’re not skipping over any important morning tasks.
  4. Say it with me: SLEEP WITH YOUR PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR BED.
    • There is truly not much to say here that I haven’t said already. If you want to catch up on my reasons behind religiously adopting this hack, you can read all about it here!
  5. Stretch in bed.
    • The hardest part of the morning for me is peeling myself away from my cuddly cat/sleeping buddy and unraveling my cozy blanket burrito. After doing research on stretches that can be done in bed, I found that not only did this satisfy my desire to stay in bed longer, but it helped my body feel more awake and motivated to get my morning routine going strong.
  6. Make your bed.
    • It may seem small, but making your bed can set the mood for the entire day. Starting off with completing a task can lead to a sense of accomplishment that can only snowball into a bigger form of motivation. Coming home to a tidy area can also decrease any residual stress from the work day.
  7. Save scrolling for later.
    • Anyone who has read my previous posts already know my view of social media and cell phones- if you allow it, your electronic device can be a giant waste of time. So, save the scrolling for later and minimize anything that might distract you from a productive morning. The memes will still be there after you’re all dressed and ready to start the day with, hopefully, time to spare.
  8. Look forward to food.
    • Okay, this one might me more tailored to me, but it works. I find it way easier to crawl out of bed if I know I’ve planned a breakfast I can look forward to. (Even better, I’ll meal prep it, so I can go straight to the rewarding part).
  9. Make your morning more enjoyable.
    • It may seem like common sense, but it’s easy to lose ourselves in the rush of getting ready for the day. We can’t forget about our needs. Whether it’s yoga, a morning walk, or reading a chapter, take a little bit of time and engage in an activity that will make your morning feel like yours! It doesn’t even have to be the same activity each day.
  10. Listen to music.
    • I. Love. Music. In my 28 years of existence, nothing has been able to captivate me as much as music. It has been, and probably always will be, a huge part of my life (but that’s a post for a different day). For me, and maybe for some of you also, there’s no better way to wake up the body than to start by waking up the soul.

Although weekday mornings are a struggle, I am really focusing on making them effective and productive. It simply makes me happier and more energetic when I feel good about my mornings. I am always trying to make Rise and Shine Time easier and less hectic, and I always love to hear feedback and start a conversation. What are some of your go-to morning hacks?

Wins of the Week

The burst of energy I woke up with this morning and the happy sunshine streaming through my office window can only mean one thing– It’s Friday! This week has been a rough mental health week, and although I am well aware of the triggers it can always feel like a slow crawl back to stability. That being said, if there is ever a week to focus on my Wins, this would be the one!

  • I finished a book. If anyone reading this has been struggled with any sort of mental health issue, you may know that concentration may be a huge challenge. As someone who read the last Harry Potter book in just over a day, part of me is heartbroken to say that it had been well over a year since I had been able to read an entire a book. It took about a month to finish this book by breaking down reading into smaller chunks of time, but I felt a sense of accomplishment.
  • I was able to delegate responsibility at work. At my organization, I manage a caseload of about 55 clients. I typically schedule 38-40 hours of individual therapy sessions per week, attend 5-7 meetings monthly, facilitate a group twice monthly that consists of 15 additional clients, and somehow squeeze in time for paperwork and outreach calls in between. Needless to say, all of my days are incredibly busy. I spoke to my supervisor about feeling overwhelmed and we agreed that it would be best to hand my group off to someone else who has a less established caseload to maintain. With my group facilitating nearing its end, I can already feel a little relief.
  • I didn’t feel like a bad employee for delegating. Typically, admitting that I do not have the energy to perform well at a task would lead me to believe that I’m bad at my job. I learned how to catch these thoughts in therapy, but this time I didn’t even need to catch myself because I didn’t have the thought. That’s progress, folks!
  • I painted for the first time in about 10 years. I used to paint all the time, more of a hobby than a coping skill. I was always a perfectionist when it came to creativity, but when I picked up a paint brush this week, I simply focused on playing with color however I was inspired to. I definitely felt rewarded and mindful and just…. emotionally better!

Honestly, to a certain extent, I’m just thankful for making it through the week without completely spontaneously combusting.

Now turning to you, Warriors! What have been your biggest wins of the week?

101 Coping Skills for Depression

  1. Identify potential triggers
  2. Identify your emotions
  3. Take a walk
  4. Call a friend
  5. Practice deep breathing
  6. Meditate for 5-10 minutes
  7. Draw a cartoon
  8. Write 5 things you love about yourself
  9. Stretch for 10 minutes
  10. Go for a run
  11. Play with a pet
  12. Make a playlist of feel good songs
  13. Listen to your feel good songs
  14. Dance
  15. Paint a representation of your emotions
  16. Make a collage using old magazines
  17. Practice handstands
  18. Do 10 push ups
  19. Go for a bike ride
  20. Clean your apartment
  21. Take a shower
  22. Put on your favorite outfit
  23. Style your hair
  24. Read a book
  25. Take a drive
  26. Take photographs
  27. Stay hydrated
  28. Go window shopping
  29. Socialize with someone
  30. Avoid judging your emotions
  31. Create a simple to do list and complete at least 3 things
  32. Cook a healthy meal
  33. Practice yoga poses
  34. Make jewelry
  35. Look at your rock collection
  36. Paint your nails
  37. Put on a face mask
  38. Play with makeup
  39. Video chat a loved one
  40. Free write in a journal
  41. Let yourself cry
  42. Go somewhere very public
  43. Bake
  44. Drink tea or hot chocolate
  45. Look up recipes
  46. Rearrange your apartment
  47. Watch stand up comedy
  48. Practice positive self talk
  49. Use a stress ball
  50. Make slime
  51. Go for a hike
  52. Sit under a tree and read
  53. Spend time in nature
  54. Sit by a river and listen to the water
  55. Read poetry
  56. Look at art
  57. Put a puzzle together
  58. Water your plants
  59. Write a poem
  60. Play ukulele
  61. Make a list of long term goals
  62. Watch America’s Funniest Home Videos
  63. Identify 10 positive thoughts
  64. Write a gratitude list
  65. Read inspirational quotes
  66. Write a song
  67. Get enough sleep
  68. Use essential oils
  69. Take a bubble bath
  70. Plan an activity
  71. Look outside mindfully
  72. Go outside
  73. Crochet a scarf
  74. Listen to a podcast
  75. Play a board game with a friend
  76. Plan outfits for the week
  77. Sing
  78. Practice visualization
  79. Watch a movie
  80. Meal prep
  81. Challenge any negative thinking
  82. Color a picture
  83. Get a massage
  84. Get your nails done
  85. Make worry stones
  86. Go rock picking
  87. Use progressive muscle relaxation
  88. Engage in problem solving
  89. Watch videos of funny children
  90. Write a letter to yourself
  91. Play a sport
  92. Make extra time for yourself
  93. Use lavender room spray
  94. Identify your strengths
  95. Do a body scan
  96. Look at old pictures
  97. Learn a new craft
  98. Spend time with a family member
  99. Volunteer
  100. Light a candle
  101. Explore somewhere you’ve never been